Oscar Wilde famously said: “The world was my oyster, but I used the wrong fork.” He wasn’t really talking about manners, per se, but his expression still reflects something both peculiar and yet important about the rules of etiquette.
What on earth am I on about? Well, consider Mr. Wilde’s fork. Traditional rules of etiquette say that the forks are all set to the left of the dinner plate, and that the outer fork is a salad fork, the middle the dinner fork, and (at least in Britain) the closest to the plate is the dessert fork. Interestingly, Mr. Wilde’s oyster fork is the only one placed to the right of the plate, but otherwise the general rule is to work from the outside in.
Now, you may see the reasoning behind certain manners, like not being offensive to a guest or in opening the door for a lady, but don’t these kinds of rules—rules about forks and table settings—seem pointless and outdated?
Well, yes, “dining etiquette was developed over the course of many centuries,” but “its aim was to make sitting at the table a pleasant pastime, and to make the behavior of all participants harmonious, rational, and not bothering others.” And that never gets outdated.
In a sense, the rules of etiquette are like the steps of a dance. Remember when you learned the Kalamatiano or how you are learning the waltz now? What’s the point of all those little steps? Why not just let each person move to the music however they like? Well, for one, if we all did that, we’d have no dance at all—just a room full of flailing limbs. And, so it is with the rules of etiquette as well.
Whether it is forks on a table or steps in a dance, order and harmony make for something beautiful that the chaos of complete individuality can never achieve. Etiquette lets us participate in the dance of living in civilized community.
So, next time you reach for your fork, think of the waltz—it’s no big deal if you make a mistake now and then; but nobody wants to dance with someone who doesn’t even try to get the steps right.
Have a wonderful day.
